Learned by Mistake

So much like a rose, beautiful to see blossom,

yet not comfortable to hold

The whispers thunder.. Aren’t you a little toold

A little to old to what?

to keep trying, to keep fighting,

until  I  am living the plan God has designed

You wish I could rewind,

go back in time

 reroute my choices

Listen to your faint and mostly absent voices

mouthing empty lines, “I care”

“Listen to me, I know”

“Be aware , beware, of leaving empty”

“Just listen,” “having nothing to show

means  something

I have something to show

the things God has given to nurish me

Conviction, strength, courage, compassion, defined divinity

Learned more than I wanted to know

my thorns, necessary amonng the weeds,

Helped me grow

Images left behind  meant to humble me

 strip me of my spoils

Thankful for my toils, falls and tolls

Seen the hearts of annoited souli

So, to old. to withstand

Your reprimands,

hear you repel my pain

Eye to Eye with Annoited Souls

taught me the worth of riches, not weighed in gold

Words sing my accountability

Apology acknowledging

the severity of my wrongs,

The lost of trust now will sing

the sad song

about the little girl gone bad

with what all she had

How could she go…

deep within the shadows of night,

Living by faith, you will always be able to the  light

of God

Is my sight, soothing to your sore eyes

or could I bet on odds that all that is a disquise for why I am hear at your door

So poor of life

so equipped with spiritual dollars

just small words and soft voice

that’s all that is left of all those bad days of wrong choice

Hear in a book full of stories i am tell

My ears now allergic to voices that yell

Left behind with a man on a dowtown street with

the lonely eyes that give visions of a lotus hell

So much more serene than this earth, fools call home

The holted hell of dismay that  lies in the livings eyes,

as they lose belief in energy

, in love

in Spirituality

The whispers of disdain,

 incessant words determined to blame

this present on ignorance, stupid mistakes, unbelievably bequest to me

Smart is the descriptive adjective placed before my name

yet in your mouth all that remains

is wrong

Your words, however few, dig holes, left my soul hollow

My choices made by the awareness of my intuition

Inside beyond what the eye can view

painted this plot the hue of God

They snicker and cower, when his name is heard,

“You talking to God in all this mess”.. that’s absurd

The Silence is heavy, just the inkling of absurdity

Ignites monumental certainty

My clarity

Dec

A beautiful urgency

 completely this difficult task

Holding my tongue, having more faith,

then the last days, when how, where, what, when and how come furnished my mind

took residence in my heart

Lead me to places far from your sullen audacity

that provided you tenor of the judgement of me

I have inhaled peace, exhaled this negativity

Parlayed the rejecting repugnance of your translation

Of me… It’s just that, another rendition of a perspective truth,

heavy with expectation,

Void of me

Yesterday is old, stale on my breath

Mock the watery prayers falling from my eyes to hell

dampen the fire  where the anger gestates

Abort that which consummates

disappointment, anger

don’t carry it to term

Buried it named a lesson learned

In Just

one moment,

one look,

one smile,

a world irreversibly changed

suddenly like so many stories

stories comprised

of lust

love

infatuation

as if it couldn’t be…

when words like

 you and me

what will be

How can we be

 a we

cross lips of hearts afire,

full of life lusting desire,

that life’s lust to be changed,

rearranged,

sometimes leave heartbeats absent,

minds deranged…

paralleled

 leaves minds in beauty bountiful realities

so sweet the after taste feels like fantasy..

 to wish for

yet fear those moments,

those looks,

those smiles

in equal exchange.

for to be aflame,

is the greatest vulnerability,

the greatest enticing mystery

 wanting to solve,

to involve

our heartbeats

 the risk of losing it’s rhythm,

 that’s the calucated advantage of the mind,

one the heart doesn’t know..

The beautiful curse

falling quick

mending slow

Sometimes A Woman

The tears I didn’t cry are soaking the interior of my heart. The blood gushing filling my lungs and holding on to me.

They say he is around,

they say he isn’t the same..

They say he needs you,

so what do I do.

To shrug it off like he might to do me

, or do I just set him free.

To bad my heart can’t seem to leave..

It doesn’t seem to know how many times I cried or how many times he said goodbye.

It seems to love so unselfishly…

The things they said left me short a heartbeat…

For seconds denied my oxygen

My lifeline severed

The words delivered didn’t paralyze me

No truth laid there

It was the pleading

There own hearts bleeding

The quiet whisper that asked if I missed you

Reminiscent  of the first time I kissed you

grabbed ahold of me

I didn’t want to believe

That you still were apart of me

To myself I will never lie

She told me you might love another

They tell me you need me

And it might just be

That I need you to breathe again
The sin

Is the fact that no matter how many times denied
Or the reason why
My eyes didn’t cry

My heart is not complete
If she could compete

She would have your name
We might never be the same

I am not, you started a change

Told me my power
Built me up

Can’t see you down
Not you, you are fitted for a crown

Now its your time

Coming to claim what’s mine

Sometimes a woman has to pick up that man

Sometimes her king

Will cause her tears
Evoke old and create new fears
Sometimes her king

Is not hers at all
U have no say when you fall

No control over the rhythm of your song

He is apart of me

He is my breath

My step
My key
My desire
My fire

He was my sight
I am his fight

I will barricade the doors to his demise

Will lease my own fear deny myself the tears that refuse to stain a the smile that God has renewed
Many will see my vision as skewed

Will not help in my pursuit…

This is why God provided me with you..

U gave me the tools to do what I gotta do, gave me your power in those last few hours..

My surroundings denied the innocence of past days,

played the tricks, and selfish dicks..

Bitches doing their best to leave scars, ..

It’s time to turn on my hood,

lights, curtains, action…

The show might be too good…

see me coming.. What’s good?

No time to play

With the woman at your side
She think she rides

None ride harder than the woman who defines the man you were,

the man they see and the man who is hiding inside
The man who that simple bitch is letting die

A real womans knows when to let go..

A real woman knows when to fucking say no

Whether I take the seat as your queen

I am still on your team

I may not be your choice
Tonight I will be your voice

Will take the lead

I can’t give you what you want

But I will give you what you need.

My Gritty Revelation

I fall in love with ideas and worthiness of heart. It makes it risky to be me. All in one hundred percent kinda girl. I live for moments of explicit splendor, for the people who beat down fear with faith and jump. I have always dreamed of a love strong, different and true. I have yearned for a man to see me and love me freely and without reserve. He will come to my aid, be down for my cause and he will love the best part of me. My words, my idealistic nature, my famished sexuality and raw appeal. My gritty revelation is this… I have loved only man, but a woman as well and just as my life is beginning I have met with possibility a man who encompasses all that the two great loves of my life had. A warm heart, a kind soul, sexy swag that makes me desire him in my life, in my world. yet the possibility is that maybe his heart doesn’t beat for mine. Maybe his eye don’t see the most intimate ways of his days with me included and I have learned that the love that we all dream of is not always as pretty as we hope, but at least I had my first perfect first date, with a man who loved the best part of me… MY Words, My Thoughts, My Ideas, My Style. I wish for love to be apart of my near future, and I am revealing that deep down within I didn’t know if that was something that I would have ever, but IN just a few days, a few conversations and one perfect 1st date,,, I know that I have loved this man as if he were mine.. as if he were real made just for me… and that is the gritty portion of love the unknown… So I hope as many women do for the next call, for hopeful reciprocity.

Would it be possible to seduce you with words, with written fantasy, with my erotic day dreams with you touching me. Hands soft and welcoming, yet rugged and masculine. Your lips covering mine, sublime daydreams that began with intoxication of your sound, the way it sounded as your body touched mine, chest to breast, less […]

Born to Love

Brown eyes to brown eyes

Depth even in the first glance

should I ,

clicking to fast,

creating ties

without knowing it was taken, that chance

finance this lust, Bill the regret

lets make it hard for  our hearts to forget

Left reservation for your invitation

having pasted the days of not knowing

I have been growing, evolving beyond no

just to appear to be above the rest

when my soul, body and mind want so masterfully to formulate yes

I guess

it’s all those years

Living behind my fears

No faith in the unknown

then he appeared when nothing seemed worthy of my life

no desire inside arrived at baby; forever; wife

those old wounds, still throb

 scars of a child’s memories

told that the emotion from the womb is enate

for me a dream sold for less then obligation

the foundation of heart not made

I could not, would not repeat

the love to me that felt incomplete

can’t be the generation line of the time

when to many babies are just the conseqence of bad times

in bad lives

not thriving, I was the girl surviviing

now that girl has blossommed and I am a woman now who surivives

even the bible begets it’s regrets that a child will grow into what they know

Within her steel armour, a heartbeat

battleground,

fighting for a love that forgives

a soildier born warrior, sacrificed at conception

, his seed, her egg, a fertilized understanding

a combined promise to give unconditionally what is inside

keep playing with his love, too many times and that happy lie will die

it is why humanity is still beating

still believing

in the unseen

in the love that seems impossible

the kind that are concieved after heartbreak

has left the heart responsible

for what the mind made conscious to decide

when the feeling at this moment is born.

This option to not be afraid and live in that fear again for another five years of regret no, that’s not how those in the stories beget so many generations

by denying the life changing, heart bravery in allowing the feeling to be explored

the sensations is walking footsteps loud against need, clicking and clacking, stockinged sensuality of my body and mind encourtouring the way love feels when your fearless in jumping

The passion was there and forged the roads ahead tho short with eyes so jaded from the pain lived, and survived

A part of this woman wants that’;s survivor to die

that survivor so brave but only in the reflex of what she can predict

no soul evident, no love vibrant, no body intoxicated by his sweet smell

he makes me want to live again spiritually, in which he awakened in me when I had to believe again, in what is not easy to see.

shaking loose those sad days of not being told enough how much loved there was that resulted in this portion of my eternally ever after

if tomorrow is coming whether I am brave in my faith or a coward to his demon in my fear, then what does it matter if t may hurt a bit if My spirit who is God says like a old friend, with feminie sensativity, get him girl, you deserve the world for never just believing that love is a myth

Let me show you what I can do when you believe in me, call me love if they want to negate all the other ways to address the miracles they see in you, for to be lustful for a man who you wish to hold beyond anything, everything is love unconditionally.

As our eyes met brown to brown

the ice around our hearts melt

my smile seen in the reflection those eye looking down at me and his smile found their in my eyes still smiling

it’;s something about you I can’t deny

before I would have asked why?

today he professes that something just feels right

from the very beginning, you

this woman,  causes me to pause

no need to review loves contract, no matter the clause

I do, I accept, I will,

With you

I feel

something is different here

In tandem our hearts beat rapidly

Could it be?

Again I Hope For Love

My heartbeat should be weak from the wounds sustained from the past wars on the battlegrounds of love. Life told me so long ago that love would wound my understanding heal my doubt shake my core and displace my faith if I was not careful. Not alert and able to shift through the forest of traps set to blind the eye and confined the mind but I felt that I was the one that could heal this love lost to my world. I could not be afraid and instead be brave. I could take each scar and mark it a journey of survival skills to protect those I love.. but I was wrong.. Love had taken me hostage and made me its biggest customer. I was a fiend. didn’t see the road as dire, didn’t see the heat as fire to hot to touch, No love had me completely done,addicted and restricted to its touch, favor and release. Love had divided my past and my present and made me an enemy of its state. I didn’t want to just love for the way it felt, but the way it would transform, and move the world to beauty. I played no games with this emotion that makes you want to take back the days past and find a new set of pages, that read forever to a beautiful never, locked in a paradise and full of faith in that power. That love made power that reunites belief to action, action to tenderness., In that paradise built on and made of love, where the fruits of its brilliance give life and misery just deplete the nutrients of our environment. Again I hope for that power to make me its victim, its fiend, a strawberry for the merriment of really experiencing it’s euphoria. No lost in the moment if that moment is complete with real, ideal love you can feel. Peel back it’s layers  deeper and deeper with the flesh becoming more vibrant, and pure, more succulent, more perfect in the imperfections than in the perfect parts of it. When it penetrates the systematic thought of basic and normal it expels individual one of kind smells that emanates from the flesh of the union and the intimacy is a pungent odor. It’s candor and abrupt intoxicating scent and skins is seen by eyes that are blind to the retina only able to be felt within the energy of its pulse it’s rhythm as our voices permeate the air. Grasping to the waves of sounds, it takes over the heart and expands ours senses to the mindless abrasions of  past attempts on hoping for rare in the common. Again in his eyes I hope for love. I hope for what I had not yet experienced in completeness. I always hoping have opened my door for it for the love that settles inside of you and gives you wings to fly, above the hurt  propelled by faith and carried by us.

Marketing: Female Sexuality…

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“Female Marketing… : Truth is It Sells Girl… Make sure the donation is right…” Heard By the Ladies of LIFE…. Dear Young Perspective to the School of Self Identity………………………………….. I speak this language of movement enticed delusion. I can manipulate his mind to fall in love with my tone, the way my body moans but […]

Learning Goodbye

Leaning into open spaces of busy, its becoming much simpler in these recent days. The sun seems to find it’s light into my room more frequently and the numbing pain that accompanied each thought of you has dulled and some days I actually smile and look forward to just being. It’s been a while and it’s been no time at all in the same life with losing you. I tip toed past my own bed for weeks for the fear of your smell and prickly made to ignite revenges images of you and your “lady friend”. That part has not become it’s mending for to acknowledge her as more than what she deserves because it was what I deserved is just far too much and I simply happy because sad love songs don’t feed me breakfast and clean up after dinner dishes.  I suppose this is the part of love in which you learn goodbye. Now others may not understand but the concept is simple. Goodbye is only a behavior of departure and lost, and those things didn’t haunt me as they do now. FInally I am learning the art of goodbye, how to deal with the grief of a love denied. This death is not physical, you kissing the white dressing of the coffin you assembly will have chosen for yourself. NO your death is not out on watch and never are you. Sometimes I still want to call just to hear the sound of your voice, that part seems to only recall moments of kindness and understanding.. the sweet baritone of a man passed. My days have become once again about me and each day I do exactly as I like just for myself  the jolt of disdain should appear yet only sad memories come yet fleet so quickly they feel like imaginary thoughts. Then just like a new leaf being turned…I realize that the  anger has fallen away and been replaced by just plain it is what is acceptance that you are now in the arms of a person you actually like, hold at night, kiss in the morning and except for all the bullshit she is and puts you through. A woman shameful and wonton is not a woman to  possess. Yet you love her and it makes me smile for that is the man who I love that man who knows nothing but the love in his heart. That love that blinded me and wounded me was not gone. It still blossomed in moments that I leave in the corridors of my heart.  When I realized it would never die, I had finally learned to say goodbye.

 

Struggle For…….

Fighting against struggle

To Find release from affirmed serenity

Numb bleeding heart hoping

thoughts  of you

are few

memories don’t include

the love I know you felt

struggle for my own heart

to continue to believe

love will be arriving

Living in this denying

is beginning to ware me down

the peace I thought was found

seems to leave me quickly

when thoughts of you

enter the field

of life’s battle

all began with the title

of yours

how did you get here

to my land

in my air space

its treason

your reason

for showing me love

to just withdraw

and forfeit

what happened to the ability

to see and commit

to not being the rest

of those that

used me, in alliance

my defense

is defiance

strategic movement

to just heal

before

I feel

another break of heart

another level of ascension

the decision

to love you

not mine

would not betray my mind

the way my heart continues to do

in pursuit of the man that you presented

the exception to all my rules

the game of love

will change the intelligent to fools

Now I am apart of that list

what did I miss

Did I somehow lose the eyes of love

to see the false allusion

to become an active delusion

of my very own heart

From the very start

did you play a part

the star of a living art

the form of manipulating reality

want to see your face on the front page

of the weekly us

to be the one loved for eternity

at the cost of my serenity

accepting my vow of infinity

to leave me in struggle for

my smile

walking mile after mile

in this desert emotional

or do you struggle

for a way to say

that love with me

was never  forever

just a stop

to rest

find the worth of a man

was it a plan

or just happenstance

a life circumstance

a casulaty of a war

left undeclared

when your own struggle left you

in these same shoes

struggling

to stop the tears

regain your faith

when your fears

seem to lead

and you only bleed

from the wounds of memory

DO you struggle for ….

Peace